Why are we saying sorry?
It is a good rule in life never to apologise
(P G Wodehouse)
Saying sorry for who we are is something that comes up a lot for us disabled people. Saying sorry is right sometimes, but many of us spend far too much saying sorry for our access needs and for taking too much time to do things in our own way.
This is not great because if we are saying sorry for who we are, how can we expect people to listen and follow us. We’re going to look at how some disabled leaders have learned how and why to stop saying sorry.
Bringing ourselves out of the bag
When we talked to disabled musician Anya Ustaszewski, she told us how she has stopped saying sorry since she was told she was autistic. I can now stop 'apologising for my existence'
In coaching, a person is encouraged to look more closely at what has shaped their lives. This gives more things for us to share and talk about and isn't all about our disability.
Don't see my impairment, see something else
The most important time is in the few seconds that you first meet someone. (James Partridge, CEO, Changing Faces)
James Partridge is the CEO of Changing Faces. He talks about how after his accident, when his face changed so much, he had to learn how to stop saying sorry for the way his face made other people feel when he met them.
He does this with 'a firm handshake, a warm smile and some strong things to say about my work and life'
You can also see his style in the Changing Faces website. There isn't a 'sorry' in sight.
Changing our shape
At Lead On, a disabled leadership Open Space Event held in September in Cheltenham, people talked a lot about leadership and found out that many of us have had to change the ‘shape of who we are’.
Talking about ourselves as if we are animals is interesting. In one group, one person described herself as being 'born a soft floaty seahorse and having to change into a rhino' because she was so angry about what happened to her.
Some of us have developed 'thick skins' and some of us have learned to be more slippery.
Being surprising and slippery
Performance Artist and Painter, Bobby Baker has always been slippery and playful - this is sometimes called being subversive.
In this way she can tell people about all of herself.
Bobby has just had a great exhibition as part of the Welcome Collection, "Bobby Baker's Diary Drawings: Mental illness and me 1997-2008", where she brings more of herself 'out of the bag' than ever before .
"Dark and subversive, the Diary Drawings represent Bobby Baker’s own personal long, dark night of the soul, a night that, thankfully, she’s seen through to the dawn" (David Watson for Disability Arts Online)
So.....
So.... at the end of the day, it’s up to us whether we choose to share more of ourselves out there in new ways and in new shapes and stories.
It might be useful to ask friends and workmates to watch us as we try out new things, so we see if this helps us be clearer and better leaders. In doing this, we can be really happy about who we are and stop saying sorry.
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